Scared

I left the house this morning with my computer saying I am going to write today.  I always have the intention to write but I get distracted with social media.  Next thing I know an hour has passed without me writing anything other than a Facebook status.  But not today, today I will write.

I had intentions of writing about running.  Running is my happy place.  It brings me peace and joy.  It clears my mind and makes me feel strong.  But that is not what I am going to write about today.

As always after I got my coffee I opened Facebook right away.  A few minutes won’t hurt, just a few.  I clicked a few links, learned some things and laughed a bit.  I saw Momastery’s series Sacred/Scared and clicked the link.  I read and started to cry real, ugly tears in the middle of a coffee shop.  

The women who shared their stories were women I admire - beautiful, strong and smart.  I had followed them for years.  I assumed they were better than me.  They had done things.  They were somebody.  They were perfect.  But they weren’t better than me.  They weren’t perfect.  They were scared.  They had insecurities and fears.  And they were strong enough to share them in this beautiful series to let us know that we are not alone.

So today I am going to share one of my biggest insecurities.

 I am afraid that I will never have friends and I will always be alone.

 

This is the same fear I’ve had since I was 4 years old.  I cried about it at 6, at 16, at 36 and even yesterday.

It’s true. 

It’s true because I am alone all the time.  I sit alone at a coffee shop.  I see people meeting for coffee.  I see them hugging and laughing while I am alone.  I sit at home with my family on the weekend.  I see pictures of gatherings on Facebook.  I wasn’t there.  I wasn’t invited.  My phone doesn’t ring.  I hear people making plans.  “I’ll see you there.”  Then they see me, say “Hi” and they walk away.  I don’t have someone who knows me, who wants me, who cares.

It’s true that I don’t have friends because I am always alone.

It’s false.

It’s false because I have friends I run with, friends I kayak with in the summer.  I get together with girlfriends from Law School for a vacation every year.   I see women on regular basis who are glad to see me.  They are always there with a smile and a hug.  I have a contact list in my phone full of women I can call at any moment.  I can invite them for coffee.  I can laugh and cry with them.  I know that it is false because I have friends.

It’s true and it’s false.  I have the potential to have friends, to make connections.  But I can’t make it a reality.  I don’t call.  I don’t know what to say.  I think people are too busy.  They don’t want to hear from me.  I don’t know how to make the connection, to say I want to get to know you.  Shy and anxiety ridden, I keep it on a surface level but inside I’m crying out.  Notice me!  Like me!  Choose me!

But if I don’t make the effort to change, nothing will change.  So every morning I offer up a prayer; please let me open up, to take a risk, to let someone in.  And today just may be that day.