Seeking Grace

Lately I've been caught up in my head, running on Renee power.
I need to do this ...
I have to do that ...
I want ...
I ...
I ...

It gets frustrating to do this.  I get angry.  I am anxious, depressed and generally no fun to be around.  Normal kid behavior results in yelling.  Every comment is a criticism.  It's exhausting.

Today started out like this.  Another day of running all over town trying to find shoes that would fit my daughter.  3s are too small.  4s too big.  Most stores don't carry 3 1/2s.  Gah!  But the mall yielded results, I found a few options to let her try on. (Of course I could have brought her along to eliminate some of the stress.  But having someone complain about how they don't want to be there and don't care causes more frustration and stress.)

Relieved that I wouldn't have to go anywhere else, I wandered into the bookstore.  I picked up some design magazines and a few inspirational books I had been meaning to check out.  I've had this desire to start creating again so I figured I might find a few ideas.  As I sat in my chair reading articles. looking at pictures and perusing passages, something hit me.  The reason I have been so frustrated and in my head was because I haven't been looking for Grace.

I believe that God is always present in our lives.  He is showing us example after example of his presence but we (ok I) don't really look for it.  When I can glimpse those moments and signs my day turns around.  I need to, I have to becomes I get to.  I becomes You and We.  Struggle becomes ease.  Fear becomes faith and trust.

To find that all I have to do is look.  It's so amazingly simple but it can be so hard to do.

After this realization, I vowed to look for signs of Grace.  I decided to take pictures of them so I would have a reminder that I found it, I saw God for just a moment.  It's something I could do each day, a gift to myself and to those around me.

Resolved, I immediately set out to find it.  I got up, went downstairs and was half way out of the store before I realized that I had already found Grace today.  It was sitting in the pile of books and magazines I left on the bookstore table.  My gift of Grace was the moment I realized I could look for it.  So I turned around, went back upstairs and found my pile of Grace just as I had left it.

Beach Day

Holidaze

At house we celebrate both Chanukah and Christmas.  I love this time of year and decorating our house to reflect both traditions.  Here is a little peak at what we've done this year.

Get Away

We look forward to it all year.  The countdown starts at the beginning of May with numbers written in a child's hand on our chalkboard.

20, 15, 10.

When we reach single digits I can see the kids vibrating with excitement.  We are going on vacation!  Hooray!

Every year I wonder how it can be as good as it has been in the past?  Will this be the year that something will go wrong, the year we vow never to go back?  But it doesn't happen.  Rain or shine, cold or hot, childish arguments, fights and tantrums, none of it matters.  Our family is good here.  We recognize the special quality of the weekend, the place.

When we leave, I research condos and cabins.  Maybe we could buy here, spend summers and more.  It's a dream I have, knowing that I could come here whenever I wanted.  It won't be the same.  I won't catch lightning in a bottle.  But I continue to put pennies in a jar all the same.

Hard

I post a lot about running on Facebook.  I share details of almost every run.  I am that girl.

I do it partially to hold myself accountable in my training.  I have a schedule that I need to stick to.  I need the inspiration that likes and comments provide.

The other reason I do it is because I never thought I would be here.

When I was in college, I faced a health crisis that took a long time to identify and resolve.  During that time, fatalism, drama and self-absorption combined in such a way that I could not see beyond the pain I felt in the moment.  When I thought about the future it was in abstract terms.  I wanted jobs, marriage, family, a future but I couldn't really see myself with any of those things.  I was sick.  I was in pain.  I figured I would die and that would be it.  The end.  No future.

But I didn't die.  My health crisis was diagnosed and resolved.  Jobs came (many, many, many jobs).  I got married.  We traveled a long path to family.  I began to see a future with me in it.

However, my old way of thinking still persisted.  Doubts, "I'm not strong", "I'm not good enough",  "I can't do this", became the soundtrack in my head.  So I didn't do anything.  Well that is not true.  I did lots of things halfheartedly.  I couldn't stick with anything because I wouldn't do it right.  Try this.  Quit this.  Try that.  Quit that.  Think about trying that other thing.  Don't try that other thing.  What about ...?  No, never mind.

Few years ago I had a wake up call.  I had to change my way of living.  I couldn't do it anymore.  It was exhausting.  I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually dead.  I might as well have been physically dead.  So I stopped, surrendered and changed.  Slowly, sometimes almost imperceptibly, I became a new, better version of myself.

As I got stronger, I saw that I could do things.  I could do "easy" things.  I got up, I made my bed, I fed, clothed and took care of my kids.  I did life.  I wondered about the hard things.  Could I do them too?

Running is a hard thing.

It seems easy enough, moving at a pace faster than walking.  But it's not easy.  I have to push my body past it's comfort zone, take more steps, go farther, move quicker.  The mental challenge is equally tough.  I have to convince myself that my mind is lying.  The familiar thoughts of "I can't", "It hurts", "No more" play like a broken record.  Those are fears, lies.  They are not truth.  So every time I am out there I have to tell my mind to shut up.  "No! I can do this."  "I am strong."

The running posts I share are not boasts.  They are my way of reminding myself that I am here.  I am doing.  I am living.

Moments

My favorite moment from the week.

Reminders

I needed the reminder as I slogged through my run today.

I needed the reminder as I struggled to stay awake and alert at home.  If I do not get off the couch right now, I will be late picking up my kids.  If I do not get off the couch right now I may never get off the couch again.

I needed the reminder that I don't have to do this.  I get to do this.  I get to live this life.  It is a privilege and a gift.

It's a gift that I have two strong legs.  I get to lace up my running shoes and I get to pound the pavement.  There are days, like today, when the steps hurt, a twinge here and a pull there.

But there are also days, like Sunday, when I blaze forward faster than I have ever gone.  I may not be the fastest and I sure as heck won't win anything but that time is fast, super fast, for me.  Personal record, personal best.

I also get to share my passions and joys with my family.  I always thought running was solitary, just me and the road.  But it's not.  Frink is there to feed the kids when my morning runs go too long.  Bunny and Lion are there with signs cheering me on as I start and finish a race.  And Lion is there running faster than I ever thought possible, leaving his momma in the dust with her heart swelling with pride.

Those are the days that make days like today worthwhile.  I know that the slow days will be replaced with faster ones.  The dull days replaced with ones that are much, much brighter.